Something Is Not Right

baby3One year ago today, I was sitting on the beach with my family, the first time I thought “something’s not right”.

The next 48 hours was spent doing everything I could to get my baby to move, while trying not to panic and ruin everyone’s vacation. I was curious, cautious, but not yet concerned.

Google said that it could be a growth spurt and our baby could just be sleeping, or “you’re just busy and haven’t noticed that he is “, when in fact, he wasn’t.

One year ago today, my life changed forever. I didn’t know it yet. Not for another few days. But today was the beginning.

On my Birthday, I was in labor for 18 hours. I delivered a stillborn baby boy. I came home with milk and no baby to feed. I had children who frequently asked me “why did our baby have to die?” and other questions I couldn’t answer like “when can we have another baby?” There were many conversations with people who asked me “how is the baby?” because they didn’t know and I had to tell them without crying and making them feel uncomfortable. I had to lose the baby weight and manage the hormones and… live a life as if it were normal.

I am not the person I was before we lost our son. This makes me sad because I was a pretty happy person in general. I hope to one day feel joy and contentment again. I assume this will take some time.

There is a hole in my heart that has been open. I have spent the last year trying to fill this void, praying this void would be filled, and it just hasn’t. It is a hole I am going to have to live with and I am trying to figure out how.

I have come a long way since last June, but I am not where I want to be.

Some days, even weeks, I might not think once about the trial we have been through. On other days, it is all I can think about. I would rather not think about it. It’s quite annoying that I just can’t get passed this and that one year later I still effects me.

People say that this is normal and it will take time. I find this very annoying. Can’t we just move on? Clearly I’m impatient. But I mean, who really wants grief to last this long?

Please don’t be offended if I don’t seem happy about your baby news. I am happy for you, I am just sad for me. I rather not engage or talk about it with you because I don’t want to be sad. On the other hand, please don’t not tell me because you think it will make me sad, that will make me sad. I want to rejoice with you. So basically, act normal but don’t get offended if I act weird. Actually, don’t get offended if I act weird about a lot of things. I’m sorry.

You may be wondering if we have or want to try to conceive again. At this time we have been unsuccessful. I am okay with this because I don’t like being pregnant since I am literally sick the ENTIRE time, yet I am sad because I would love to have more children. It’s worth the sacrifice. We have considered adoption and Foster Care but at this time we feel that it is not the right thing for us.

Soooo…. Lot’s of annoying things for a planner who can’t control any aspect of her life.

I pray that this next year, I will be able to see the good that has come from a difficult situation. I pray that I would not focus so much on my circumstances but be mindful of my many blessings. I pray for joy. I pray for contentment. I Pray for all of those who can relate to my story on a personal level, peace be with you.

And thanks to all of you for your support this past year. You have been a blessing.

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Baby #3, God Things

The Messenger

Every spring after the first rain, I scour my kitchen for the first sign of spring Ants. After many years of armies of Ants making their journey through my back door, last year, and this year so far, have been pretty calm. <fingers crossed>

Two nights ago I saw a lonely Ant. I call him “The Messenger”. I didn’t see any of his friends, he came all alone. Why? I imagine he came to check out the territory and report back to his squad as to whether or not the journey through my back door will be worth the trek.

Should I let him live? If I let him live, he will certainly return home with the good news. “Yes friends, it is the promised land we have been looking for, lots of crumbs and sweet sticky stuff everywhere.” On the other hand, how brave an Ant to come all this way all by himself knowing he may never return to his friends or family alive again.

Such a little Ant on such an important journey.

If I kill him, he can’t tell his friends where to find us. And, if I kill him, there is a good chance his friends wont come looking for him, that is, if they are wise. But what if they do?  Are Ants so loyal as to come rescue their Messenger? Do they take his not returning as a warning to stay away?

I checked again. He didn’t bring any friends with him.

For some reason, I was feeling compassion towards this brave little Ant (brave or stupid) and decided to let him live. I smiled as he disappeared under my fridge. (I didn’t really smile but it made my story sound better.)

Today he was lucky. I will let this Messenger live. But make no mistake, if he returns with his friends, I will be ready for them.

______________________________________________

Our Ant situation used to be so bad, they drove me CRAZY. Literally crazy.

It was so bad that one day while Ryan was at work, I found his caulk gun and caulked every crack and crevice I could find in my kitchen. It was a mess but I felt powerful. “HaHa!” <in my best Jack Sparrow voice>

It didn’t work and Ryan was not too happy.

Alas, I found a solution. I happen to have been complaining to friend about my Ant situation when another friend that happened to work for a pest control company overhead me talking and offered to lend me some product that was guaranteed to work.

Hallelujah it did! And you know what? There is an OTC brand that is almost the equivalent that works like a charm. We have been using it for years and takes only a day or two at most to rid your home of and Ant intruders.

Terro. It’s amazing. God bless Scientists.

 

1 Comment

Filed under Fun & Random Things

The Aluminum Anniversary

A “friend” of mine pulled up next to this hot guy I had been “noticing” for quite a while, and rolled down her car window to tell this boy, rather loudly, that “she wants to have your babies!”. I, of course, calmly countered this comment with a “NO I DON’T!!!” followed by an “OMG- I can’t believe you just did that.”

Little did I know, I would in fact have this boys babies. And marry him. And still be together 16 years later.

Ryan and I have been married for ten years. TEN! Ten sounds so long but it feels like nothing. In this day in age, I think ten years is definitely something to celebrate.

Speaking of celebrate…

Ryan and I did not take a proper honeymoon because we were trying to be wise with our money and save it to put towards a house. It wasn’t long before we regretted this decision and began planning a second honeymoon  for the summer following our One Year Anniversary. Welp. Surprise! We’re pregnant! Can’t go away now, we need to buy a house!

So we bought the house. We did go on a weeks vacation that summer to the Ocean. On our way there, Ryan’s diesel truck broke down and we had to have it towed to DE. We were in OC for a week without a vehicle and would have to get a ride home from our vacation because his truck would need to stay in DE for another week due to the extensive service it needed. $5,000.00 later…

That’s okay. ONE DAY we will get to go on that nice trip.

Fast forward 8 years. We have a lovely young German fellow staying with us for the year who we fall in love with and becomes a part of our family. We are 100% going to Germany to celebrate our 10 year Wedding Anniversary. Let’s make it two weeks and we will travel Europe. It’s a deal. Done.

Year 9, I get pregnant. Nope. I am not going to Europe with a toddler. That will not be fun at all. Our then German daughter who we also love and adore, decides to then plan a vacation to the US with her family during the summer of year 10.

So, we better hurry quick and remodel this kitchen because we can’t have them come here and stay with us and still have this terrible kitchen that I swore we would have torn out by now… (anyone see a pattern here?)…

Ryan, for our ten year Anniversary, could we please remodel our kitchen? That would be a GREAT gift. I mean. Since we can’t got to Europe and all.

Well, we can’t. Because it costs a lot of money.

Fine. Fine. I’ll accept that. I don’t want to but I understand. I mean we have a credit card, but yeah, you’re right. Let’s be responsible. I mean, what is another $10,000.00 on top of the ENTIRE HVAC system we had to replace last year??

Cool. So. Lets just do a little mini vacation. A beach! Totally. Let’s do it. I will send you email after email of all the great vacation deals I have found online and I will let you pick one and surprise me. It will be such a surprise. Could you imagine getting to do something so fun after the terrible year we have had? Dream. Dream. Dream.

Taxes come. Actually, no. They don’t come. Taxes PAID.

No mini vacation.

Okay, cool. That’s cool. It’s fine. I’m okay with it.

We have a gift card to Texas Roadhouse. <tears. tears. tears.>

Luckily my Husband has enough sense to tell me that we will in fact not be having dinner at The Texas Roadhouse for dinner on our Ten Year Wedding Anniversary.

Guess what we did on Thursday for our Ten Year Wedding Anniversary? We went to Texas Roadhouse. With the kids.

From two weeks in Europe to an evening at Texas Roadhouse.

Life.

“If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won’t matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.” -Timothy Keller

Our marriage is not perfect and it does not always feel strong but what I can say about 10 years of ups and downs, those trials have “tested our faith” and our marriage and it has “produced steadfastness” (undeviating consistency, unwavering strength) . I know this because I was able to have dinner with my family at Texas Roadhouse and have a good time. Now of course, I was a bit disappointed, and Ryan told me not to cry when I mentioned that I couldn’t believe this is where we were in life after ten years, but I enjoyed it.

Look at this life we have made.  We have more than we need (though I could debate a few things =P ) an amazing, beautiful family and a lot of love.

Happy Anniversary, Ryan.

____________

*Update. On Saturday morning, Ryan surprised me with an overnight stay in the City. We did touristy things (Ft. McHenry, O’s Game, Light City) and slept in a KING SIVE bed (amazing) and watched Cable TV all morning and I didn’t have to cook one meal. It was great and very sweet. And in true “us fashion”, we walked around for an hour and a half looking for a place to have dinner because we wanted something specific and then by the time we decided to “settle” there was a two hour wait eat every restaurant- so we ended up back at our hotel in a mediocre restaurant. BUT my food was really good so it all worked out. =)

us2

1 Comment

Filed under Marriage & My Spouse

Worst Morning Ever: Part 2

So, we are sitting on the steps, five minutes until the children will be late for school.

Lucy, sitting on the coach, fully dressed with her coat on waiting patiently.

Abram, begging Lucy to put his socks on because he is having trouble with one sock.

Me: Abram, you can do it. You have put your socks on may times. Lucy does not have to do that for you.

Abram: But my sock is stretched out and it will fall of in my shoe.

Me: No, Abram. Here, I will help you. <puts sock on, puts shoes on>

Abram likes to pull the tongues up on his shoes so I have to resist the urge to pull the tongue, I will get in trouble if he doesn’t get to do it.

Abram pulls the tongue but his one sock is a little stretched so the fabric from the heel sticks out from the back of the shoe. He can’t stand this. I am trying to be patient as he starts to get frustrated and begins to kick his shoes off. Both shoes. But why, only one is having an issue? Abram! Seriously! If you don’t like your socks just go up and get another pair before you get mad.

I go find him another pair because we are in a hurry and now we are officially late and I don’t have time for you to stomp upstairs and find another pair of socks only to realize they are a pair that definitely don’t work because they are too small or don’t fit. Guess what, these socks are a little stretched in the heel too. What happened to your feet over the break? How do your feet shrink or your socks stretch? Ugh!

Before Abram gets frustrated, because I can see it is coming, I try to encourage him to walk around a little bit, preferably to the bathroom so we can brush your teeth, and I bet your socks will work themselves out! Just walk around, they will be fine!

Well they are not fine. He starts kicking stuff off the steps and I get serious with him about how would he feel if Lucy kicked his things of the steps and now we are SO late to school and  Lucy is late because you are getting frustrated about your socks and YOU STILL HAVENT BRISHED YOUR TEETH OR TAKEN YOUR VITAMINS AND WE ARE LATE!!!!

I hate being late. That’s my trigger. I can hold it together until someone or something gets in the way of me being on time for things.

FINE!!!! He says and stomps his way to the bathroom. Knocking over everything in sight in his way.

Now in therapy, they tell me to ignore this behavior because it is for attention but seriously, stop knocking all my S*** over!

As he gets to the bathroom he screams “FINE!” again and tries to slam the bathroom door in my face. Big bad Mom catches the door and says “Oh no you don’t. Don’t you slam the door on your Mother. I AM YOUR MOTHER!”. Ha_ha. He’s really happy about that right now I bet.

In hind sight, If I had just ignored him and done what I was supposed to do, we would have still been late, we were late any way, but maybe he would have calmed down and the following fight would not have ensued?

Oh well ya know. Eh.

So. I make his tooth brush for him to speed up the process. He sticks the brush in his mouth and sits on the toilet, he does not brush. He sits.

We are in a hurry!

I take the brush and start brushing his teeth. I am sure I am lecturing him now, and threatening that if he doesn’t get it together all of his toys will be gone from his room when he gets home from school.

Lecturing when your kids are mad or upset doesn’t work. Yet, I still always think its a good idea and one day, my kids will listen and think my ideas are the best and tell me they are sorry and give me a hug and never do anything wrong again.

Something goes wrong while I am brushing his teeth and he gets mad. I must have bothered his loose tooth. O well, you want it to come out anyway. He then proceeded to go straight to the towel instead of spitting in the sink.

Me: NO ABRAM! YOU BETTER NOT SPIT IN THAT TOWEL! SPIT IN THE SINK!!!!!

Abram: (Totally has had it with his Mom and loses all control of his temper) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I WASN”T!!

Me: (Wait for it… totally proud Mom moment here…) <crouches down in childs face> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?????? HOW DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE SCREAMS IN YOUR FACEEEEEEEE???? ROARRRRRRR…

Abram runs. I follow. He’s yelling stuff, can’t remember what it is now but he was probably yelling about how much he loves me. I’m hot. So pissed off. Lucy is still sitting on couch patiently. I commend Lucy. I Tell Abram that it is time to go and we have to go. He runs upstairs. If you do not come down stairs right now, I am taking all of your toys. They WILL NOT be here when you get home.

Silence.

If you do not come down RIGHT NOW I am leaving you here by yourself!

Lucy looks at me. I tell her to go get in the car.

Abram. Fine. I am leaving you here.

Unfortunately, my first thought was that when I get back from school, he will have destroyed everything in the house and I didn’t want to have to clean it all up.

Seriously. That was your first thought Janet?

My second thought was, I can’t do that, it’s illegal.

I stomp up the steps.

I see Abram with his back against the wall and his arms crossed. I can’t leave you here. It’s illegal. You have to come with me.

Abram: NO!

Me: Yes!

Abram: NO! Humph!

I try to pick Abram up. He is REALLY heavy and really strong. He starts swinging and trying to sit down. Somehow, Super Mom (that’s me, obvi) gets ahold of him and picks him up. I storm down the steps. I grab his sweatshirt, not his winter coat because he hates it and I don’t want to fight about that too (I’m so thoughtful). I grab his backpack and I storm out the door. I get him through the van door before he jumps out of my arms.

SEATBELTS!!

I slam my car door and throw the van into reverse.

It is at this moment that I realize it is 16 degrees outside and I am only wearing a long sleeve shirt and some leggings. Abram is going to be freezing in his sweatshirt. Maybe his teacher will not take them out for recess since its so cold. I hope not.

Finally we get to school. I let Lucy go. I Give her a big hug and apologize about the morning and tell her that I am really proud of her for doing a great job. I storm back into the car. I am having a mental dilemma. I need help. Clearly I am out of control. I am angry and I lost self control. Abram is mad and angry and I don’t know what to do. DO I take him home? Do I carry him in and request a meeting with the school counselor? What do I do? How do I redeem this situation? This is NOT how I want to drop my kids off at school.

I love my kids so much and the last thing I want to do is ruin their lives. Or their day. Both are not good. Ha.

I get back in the car and I look at Abram. Silent. Looking at his feet. Arms crossed.

Abram, I love you. I am very sorry for getting angry with you. I love you very much and I hope you can forgive me. Do you forgive me?

We get out of the car.

IT IS FREAKING FREEZING and I almost lost all of my fingers walking into that school.

We get to the entrance and I get on my knees, apologize again and give Abram a big hug and told him to have a great day.

You know what the miracle in this story is? He hugged me back. He embraced me. He hugged me. He still loves me. Sometimes I don’t know why, but they do. I didn’t deserve his love or forgiveness this morning, but he gave it to me anyway.

He never spoke to me after we got out of the car and before he left me for class… but I know he still loves me.

At 9:00 AM on Tuesday morning, I am half in tears and half on my way to happy hour.

Before I decided to write this post, I was laying in my bed texting my husband, teary eyed, praying and high on adrenaline.

Writing is a really good outlet for me and helps me sort through my feelings…

I am not a perfect Mom and sometimes I really suck. Being a parent is really hard. I am going to feel guilty about this for days. I will try to smother my children in affection when they get home from school to try and make up for my ass-holeness this morning which they will deny and I will feel sad.

So, as I set here reflecting on todays events, I am an hour late for work. I have done 0 housework (sorry Ryan!). I am cold. I am sad. I am disappointed. But, I also have hope. I have hope that God will redeem this situation. I have hope that one day, we will not have days like this. Maybe I will have many days like this until I get to Heaven, but I will not have days like this in Heaven. And lastly, I am grateful. I am grateful that I am not alone. I am grateful that I have children that will love me one day (haha) and I am grateful that everyday is an opportunity to become a better person. In the Christian world be call this sanctification, but for everyone, isn’t every opportunity an opportunity to grow and learn? We still fail, I will fail again, but that is just another opportunity to try again.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

 

And, now I am an hour and 15 minutes late for work…

 

=)

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Baby #2: Abram

Worst Morning Ever: Part 1

I have to write this. Please do not judge me about the situation that took place this morning. It’s ok if you do,  as long as you know you’re not perfect either. #momlife

This is my son Abram. Some of you may (or may not) know that he is a seriously difficult kid. Cute and funny, but difficult. Oh my word.

IMG_2893

He is pretty cute though, right?

Abram has so many great qualities. It took a long time to see them because the negative in his personality far outweighed the positive. As he has gotten older those positive traits have been able to come out and I have been able to enjoy him so much more. Don’t get me wrong, he is my son and I love him more than anything, but I have not always *enjoyed* him.

For the past year Abram has been in therapy at Kennedy Krieger. I have been saving this post for his “graduation day” but today, I need to talk about it.

I will give you a few brief details about what I just shared.

First, KK is AMAZING and we have been 100% satisfied with he services we have received there. They have given me the tools to properly support, care and discipline my children and have given Abram the tools he needs to deal with his issues.  I am a better Mom to my children because of our time there.

What are Abram’s issues? <’cause I got issues, but you got ’em too> Sorry, musical interlude.

I say issues because you understand what I mean when I say issues, but really it is just that Abram needs some extra support with some things that he struggles with.  I got to a point where I felt helpless and I did not know what else to do to help my son. Things weren’t changing or getting better and I could see that if things didn’t improve, I wasn’t sure what might come of my son or our family in the future.

Abram has a very “passionate” disposition. That means that whether Abram is happy or angry, it is expressed with sincere passion. As you can imagine, passionately happy is not a challenge. Passionately angry… well this creates some issues. Abram also struggles with mild anxiety and has some mild sensory issues that are triggers for his behavioral outbursts (before I knew it was a sensory thing, I thought he had a mild version of OCD, if that helps you understand what “sensory thing” is and didn’t feel like google-ing it).

Since we started going to Kennedy Krieger last year, Abram ‘s behavior is about 85% better than it was prior to therapy which means Abram’s quality of life is better and so is it for the people around him. Mainly his family. Mainly me. And Lucy because she isn’t getting beat up any more. Well, maybe pushed once in a while.

So, that is all I am goin to share about that but I would LOVE to talk with you more if you have questions or would like more information on our situation. I am an open book and do not mind sharing these things with you. My recommendation though, if you feel that you are at wits end with your strong willed or difficult child, or you feel that you do not have the skills to properly parent your child (for any reason), seeking help or support will be the best thing you ever did for your child… and yourself. I was apprehensive for various reasons but I am so glad that we made this decision.

_________________________

With all of that being said, we still have bad days. Bad season. Bas moments. This morning, not an exception.

I knew that today would be a hard day. The children have been able to sleep in as long as they have wanted all break and have had little routine in the mornings since we haven’t had to run around to get ready for school. It has been wonderful.

I thought my struggle today would be with Lucy since she is the child that does not like school and does not like mornings. However, she surprised me when she willingly got ready for school in an appropriate time frame with minimal complaints. Yay for Lucy!

Abram, well, I had to nudge and encourage him a bit more because he over slept a little and left himself little “chill time” before we had to get out the door. The hardest part of the morning for Abram is getting dressed. Not because he doesn’t want to, but like I mentioned above, he’s a little particular about things. Particularly how his clothes fit, or feel. We pick his clothes out the night before to avoid outfit fights but though his outfit may be something he has worn 10 times, if it is a little stretched or tight or short (or not perfectly square to his toes…) on a particular morning, then comes the tantrum.

We are working on how to properly communicate our feeling when this happens but this is a big trigger for him and  will likely turns into a tantrum. Once he gets mad, he shuts down and there is little we can do to get him out of his “mood”. On a weekend or any time we are not under a time constraint, this situation may be handled a bit differently and have a different outcome but when you are trying to get to school in the next five minutes so that you aren’t late… again… the heat is on.

Have I mentioned, I may have a bit of a temper too?

 

 

 

 

1 Comment

Filed under Baby #2: Abram

The Loss

Words absolutely are not enough to express my gratitude for all of you. Thank you, thank you for all of the messages, texts, emails, cards, flowers, edible bouquets, gifts, hugs, meals, calls… this list goes on.

Without the support of my friends and family, this difficult time would not have been as bearable. Thank you for coming along side our family and caring for us in ways we didn’t expect and didn’t know we needed. You have blessed my heart and blessed my family just by your simple acts of love. Please, for what it is worth, accept my sincere appreciation.

“I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.”       Ephesians 1:16

_________

I was thinking about  writing a long post to tell our story, as you know that writing is a therapeutic outlet for me, but I have decided to write one post with few details because I don’t really feel like writing that much. So, if there is ever anything you want to know, feel free to ask me. I am an open book.

__________

It has been almost three weeks since the passing and birth of our Son. Just recently I have gotten back into a normal routine and it feels really good to be back to “normal life”, though the definition of normal life has changed for me a bit. All in all, though there are still tears, we are doing well.

The short:

I realized while on vacation that the baby hadn’t been moving. I started keeping track and doing everything I could to get the baby to move. Upon returning from vacation I called into my midwife to hopefully come in for a heartbeat check, just as a precaution.  I got nervous when they sent me right over to the Perinatal Center for an Ultrasound and monitoring.

I mean, I know what it means when the baby hasn’t been moving, but my baby was just going through a growth spurt and was sleeping a lot. I am sure in a day or two I will start feeling him move again, right? Of course the thought of death was in the back of my mind, but that wasn’t going to happen to me… right?

At the Perinatal Center it was completely obvious, though the tech couldn’t tell me, that there was absolutely no movement and that our baby had in fact passed away. When the Dr. came into the room she confirmed that the baby did not have a heartbeat.

I can not explain that moment. I knew it, but I didn’t know. The reality was unbelievable. All I kept saying was “it’s okay, it’s okay, I’ll be okay, these things happen” as to keep myself from crying and to console everyone in the room who was feeling bad for me. Tears. Snot. How am I going to tell Ryan? It’s okay, it will be okay…

What do I do now? What do we do? She told me I would have to deliver my baby. Can I go right now? “You can go right now, or you can go home and talk with your family an get washed up and come back later.”

I just wanted it all to be over with. I wanted the baby out. I wanted to move on. In an instant, my whole life just changed and I did not want to deal with it. I wanted to go right away so it could all just be over but I knew that the best thing was to go home and tell my Husband and tell my kids that their brother, his Son, was gone.

We went to the Hospital at 10PM that night. I will not go into all of the details of the birth but I will say this. The HARDEST thing was to go through everything related to giving birth, and coming home without a baby. The IV’s, the Epidural, the delivery, breast milk… terrible. Absolutely heartbreaking.

The nurses gave me a bear while I was in the Hospital, I guess as a comfort thing. I HATED this bear. Hated it. I hated what it represented. I hated that it was a stupid  stuffed animal meant for a child, a child that I couldn’t keep. When I got home from the Hospital, I loved this bear so much. I loved this bear because it was the only thing I got to bring home with me. This bear now represented the child I couldn’t keep and now it sleeps in bed with us every night. It is amazing how my perspective changed about this stupid bear.

I delivered our Son at St. Joe’s Hospital at 9:10PM on June 21st. We now share a Birthday. I am honestly very happy that he came on my Birthday and not the day before or after. For some reason it felt poetic to me.

Speaking of St. Joe’s,  the staff was AMAZING and made the whole experience as positive as possible. I will always have a special place in my heart for the nurses and midwives that took care of me and cried with me and continue to support me. Because of them, there will be positive memories associated with the birth of our stillborn son.

The next hardest part after the birth was planning a burial. Seriously. There is absolutely nothing like leaving the hospital without your child and then go to the Funeral Home to plan the burial of that child. I have never experienced anything like this and I have not walked through this situation with anyone close to me so… I don’t know. This was very difficult.

My hormones were also going crazy so there was a time in the office at the Funeral Home where I started laughing and could. not. stop. I think Ryan thought I was going crazy, because it was crazy. I was numb. How can I make decisions about this? I told the man I was fine just to meet him at the cemetary to watch them put him in the ground. I don’t need anything, I don’t want anything. I just want it to be over. My Family suggested that we make more personal arrangements and so I let them plan the event without my involvement. It was very nice and I am glad that we did that. I know that I would have had regrets later if we went through with the plans that I had originally made.

After his burial we drove around the cemetery and the neighborhood witch was a very nice time of decompressing for me. I thought it was going to be the worst day ever but actually it wasn’t. It was the closing of a chapter. A really hard chapter. It was almost a relief to be “done with it all”. I know his soul was in Heaven, but having to be reminded about what happened daily because his body was still above ground, and plans still had to be made… this day allowed me to put a part of my mind at rest so that I could focus on healing and “moving forward”.

We had brunch at a lovely little brunch spot in Hamilton called the Silver Queen. If you have not been, you should go.

The other hard part is having to do everything for the first time after having been through a traumatic experience like this. Taking the kids to the park (So many kids and babies there! ha), visitors bringing you stuff, going to the pool, seeing people that didn’t know you weren’t still pregnant, seeing people that did know you weren’t pregnant, follow-up Dr. apts… all of it has been emotional for me, but it has been getting easier.

Two more thoughts and then you can stop reading…

1. It appears that there was a possible cause of death. Though I was not angry and I was honestly okay with never knowing the cause, it has been tremendously comforting knowing that there was an explanation and that there was nothing I could have done to cause or prevent it from happening. Even though they tell you not to blame yourself for things like this happening, sometimes you can’t help but think about all of the times you complained or did something you haven’t done before, even if it is considered safe. Knowing that there was a reason, though rare, helps take those anxieties and thoughts away.

Umbilical Cord Hypercoiling

2. There is a Foundation that supports families who have been through miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death called The Isaac Delisle Foundation. The founder of this foundation found out about our situation (through a mutual friend) and not only has been a complete source of comfort through our heartache, the foundation has also made a donation that completely covered the cost of our sons burial. Tears. What a blessing! You can not imagine. Maybe you can. Can you imagine?!

Ryan and I have decided that every year on our son’s due date, we will make a charitable donation to this foundation to help other families who are dealing with the same grief that we have experienced.

If you would like to contribute or support this foundation in anyway, please check out their website for more information. I know first hand how the generosity of others can make a huge impact in ones life.   http://www.isaacdelislefoundation.org/

 

clouds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 Comment

Filed under Baby #3

The Wait- Our Story

First, let me thank everyone for their love and support regarding our pregnancy announcement. We are so blessed to have so many caring friends and family!

Secondly, I am sensitive to the fact that this news may have caused some a little heart ache. I too can relate because I also have struggled with infertility for the past three years. In hind sight, three years is not that long and we do have other children, but regardless, the desire to have children and the frustration that is associated with the inability to get pregnant, whether first or fifth, is similar. I felt the same disappointment month after month and the same little pain in my heart when another friend shared that they were expecting. Of course I was happy for them, but a little part of you feels sorry for yourself too. So, I just want all of you who are struggling with infertility to know that I am sorry that our exciting news caused you a little pain and I hope and pray that you too, when the time is right, will have the opportunity to share your own exciting news (whether it be through the gift of adoption, foster care or getting pregnant naturally)!

Random unorganized thoughts below…

Because we already have two wonderful children we were not going to seek a Fertility Specialist in order to get pregnant again (though I have been seeing a Holistic Nutritionist that I believe was a contributing factor to our ability to conceive). Ryan and I  decided that we were most likely going to pursue adoption seriously after our exchange student left us this Summer.

Prior to my pregnancy, I was having a pre-midlife crisis. Abram will be starting Kindergarten in the Fall and therefore I will have both children in school fulltime. I have always imagined my life being only a Stay-at-Home Mom to a handful of children. Though I knew I still wanted to mostly be at home when my children were in school, I would most likely have to go back to work part time or go back to school which was not easy to come to terms with. I knew I would eventually be doing this, but not yet! I am not ready for this season of my life to be over!

Who am I?

Eventually, the idea of going back to school and growing in my very part-time career seemed exciting to me. The future for us changed in my mind and it didn’t look so bad. We started to plan a family trip to Europe and figure out ways to pay off debt quicker so we can moooove. Life might be okay for us. Of course it will. If it’s Gods plan for us to only have two children, his plan is what is best for us. That doesn’t mean I liked His plan right away or still didn’t hope that my dream of more children might come true one day, but he has a different plan for us and I can be excited about that.

Skip forward a few months…

I am unusually “late” so I decided to take a test. “MOM! There are two lines!!” What the… is this real? I have been used to seeing one line for so long that I thought I was seeing things when two popped up. (PSA- Dollar Store PTs work just fine.)

“I do not know how to feel about this! I think I am happy. I’m happy. Oh no, what about Europe?! This is weird. WHAT, is Ryan going to think?! Exciting. But Europe. There is a baby in there!”

Ryan was supportive when I told him.

Skip forward a few weeks.

Sick. Sick. Sick. Ughhhhhhhhhhh……

It is hard to feel excited about something when that something makes you feel like death. I am almost 16 weeks and I am just starting to come out of the sick. I most likely will still have bouts of all day nausea until my third trimester. My belly keeps growing but I can’t understand why, it hasn’t fully sunk in that I am actually pregnant. I hate food. I hate smells. I LOVE sleep. I hate food. If any one of you make brussel spouts, do not stand within a mile of me.

Lucy cried. She is not excited. Abram is SO happy and tells me all the time how much he loves my baby and is so excited. His excitement has helped me get through the sickness, his joy is infectious.

I am overwhelmed and excited. Nervous and happy. Anxious and in disbelief. We are going to be parents of three. What the crap was God thinking when he opened my womb?! =0P

new bro

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Baby #3