Category Archives: God Things

Something Is Not Right

baby3One year ago today, I was sitting on the beach with my family, the first time I thought “something’s not right”.

The next 48 hours was spent doing everything I could to get my baby to move, while trying not to panic and ruin everyone’s vacation. I was curious, cautious, but not yet concerned.

Google said that it could be a growth spurt and our baby could just be sleeping, or “you’re just busy and haven’t noticed that he is “, when in fact, he wasn’t.

One year ago today, my life changed forever. I didn’t know it yet. Not for another few days. But today was the beginning.

On my Birthday, I was in labor for 18 hours. I delivered a stillborn baby boy. I came home with milk and no baby to feed. I had children who frequently asked me “why did our baby have to die?” and other questions I couldn’t answer like “when can we have another baby?” There were many conversations with people who asked me “how is the baby?” because they didn’t know and I had to tell them without crying and making them feel uncomfortable. I had to lose the baby weight and manage the hormones and… live a life as if it were normal.

I am not the person I was before we lost our son. This makes me sad because I was a pretty happy person in general. I hope to one day feel joy and contentment again. I assume this will take some time.

There is a hole in my heart that has been open. I have spent the last year trying to fill this void, praying this void would be filled, and it just hasn’t. It is a hole I am going to have to live with and I am trying to figure out how.

I have come a long way since last June, but I am not where I want to be.

Some days, even weeks, I might not think once about the trial we have been through. On other days, it is all I can think about. I would rather not think about it. It’s quite annoying that I just can’t get passed this and that one year later I still effects me.

People say that this is normal and it will take time. I find this very annoying. Can’t we just move on? Clearly I’m impatient. But I mean, who really wants grief to last this long?

Please don’t be offended if I don’t seem happy about your baby news. I am happy for you, I am just sad for me. I rather not engage or talk about it with you because I don’t want to be sad. On the other hand, please don’t not tell me because you think it will make me sad, that will make me sad. I want to rejoice with you. So basically, act normal but don’t get offended if I act weird. Actually, don’t get offended if I act weird about a lot of things. I’m sorry.

You may be wondering if we have or want to try to conceive again. At this time we have been unsuccessful. I am okay with this because I don’t like being pregnant since I am literally sick the ENTIRE time, yet I am sad because I would love to have more children. It’s worth the sacrifice. We have considered adoption and Foster Care but at this time we feel that it is not the right thing for us.

Soooo…. Lot’s of annoying things for a planner who can’t control any aspect of her life.

I pray that this next year, I will be able to see the good that has come from a difficult situation. I pray that I would not focus so much on my circumstances but be mindful of my many blessings. I pray for joy. I pray for contentment. I Pray for all of those who can relate to my story on a personal level, peace be with you.

And thanks to all of you for your support this past year. You have been a blessing.

 

 

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Filed under Baby #3, God Things

Holy Bad Day

anger-inside-out

Today, has been a hard day.

Think, “if I wasn’t in a public place right now someone would be really hurt” kind of a day. Fo realz.

Half serious.

Thank goodness I was in public.

It has been some time since I have had one of these. My blood pressure is still boiling. I can understand how some Mom’s turn into secret alcoholics. I am not saying that I would, but it is days like today that I can understand how some women get there. Phew.

Three is one of my favorite ages, but also at the same time one of the HARDEST ages. In my opinion.  How is it possible that someone can be SO, so sweet and loving and funny and then the next minute turn into [Linda Blair and Hulk had a baby]?!

It’s nap time now. Part of me wants to fall asleep to rejuvenate for the second half of the day, part of me wants to stay awake and do ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING so that I can have real quiet time and a small (small) part of me wants to do some chores so that it looks like I was productive today when important people come home. Hopefully they come home by themselves because if they bring a friend I will have to have done more chores. Decisions, decisions. ZZZZZZZZZZ…….

Thanks for letting me vent.

And, a word of truth to all of those sharing in my bad day…

1 Thessalonians 5:18: “ give thanks in all circumstances…”

All circumstances? Really? Ok. Well, thank you Lord that I did not kill my Son in anger. Thank you that I have a son and that I am blessed enough to have a bad day because of my blessed children. Thank you that this situation has caused me to come to you when I may not have if I was having an easy day. Thank you for nap time. Thank you promising to carry me through bad days (psalm 50:15, 1peter5:7, nahum1:7…). It would have been better for me if I wasn’t having a bad day, if I am being honest, but for some reason you want to teach me something through this, so… forgive me for my anger, forgive me for being tempted to turn to a glass of wine for comfort (and chocolate), forgive me for not being more patient with my children, help me to have patience, to have wisdom and, well, help me to be overflowing with every single fruit of the spirit. Amen.

Cheers!

=)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Baby #2: Abram, Fun & Random Things, God Things

A Dream Come True

IMG_6661

We went to Disney World.

It was a dream come true.

I have never been, nor did I think I would ever actually go.

It was amazing. Better than I could have imagined.

There is a lot I could say and SO many pictures I could post (239 to be exact) but for the sake of my readers, I tried to narrow down my thoughts and my picture collection to just a few of my favorites.

***

I would not go

back during a Fall/Winter Holiday. Possibly between Thanksgiving and Christmas, but not in the month of November.

Definitely get a Hopper. Worth every penny.

I cried several times. I was overwhelmed with joy. It’s normal I tell you! <wink>

I wanted to take pictures of all the kids crying at “The Happiest Place on Earth”. Ironic.

I’m pretty sure we WILL NOT drive, ever again.

Now I get it, I can’t wait to go back!

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More About Practically Loving Your Husband

Hello World.

It’s me. I’m here.

What a whirlwind of a Summer. My life, I mean really. Lots of exciting things. And of course there is always some gloom thrown in there too. And tans.  And tears. And baby sitters needed please!

Moving on.

On my way to Church yesterday I was daydreaming. I had a revelation that I wanted to write about. One reason because my thoughts are more clear to me when I write them out and two, I have found that most of the time I am not the only person with these thoughts and that most people usually enjoy when I write about such things.

Okay, picture this. <Yes, I’m asking you to daydream with me for a minute…>

You are out somewhere and one of your girlfriends walk up to you. Well doesn’t she look cute and stylish?!

“Awe! I love your shoes, are they new?” 

(We all notice when our friends have new clothes, don’t we?)

“Yes, they are, I got them last week! I just had to have them.”

 “Well isn’t that nice. New shoes. I need new shoes.”

You shoot a look over towards your husband and say “Wish I could afford new shoes”. Then you look back at your friend and continue on your normal conversation.

And there it is.

Did you see it? Did you see what I did there? I just blamed my Husband for not having a nice new pair of shoes. That look, and comment, just said everything.

{I don’t have new shoes like my friend here because YOU wont let me get them. YOU don’t make enough money so I can’t look cute like my good looking friend here. YOU are not a good enough provider for our Family therefore I have to suffer.}

Ouch. That hurt a little bit when I thought about it. Is that really what is in my heart when I have a response like that? Yes, I believe so.

I know my situation may be a little different from yours. Together, we made a choice that I would be a Stay-at-Home Mother and with that obviously comes sacrifices (like shoes) but I know I still do this. I know I sometimes unintentionally put the burden on my Husband to not only provide for our needs, but ALL of my wants. And blame him when it doesn’t happen.

When I am not satisfied and I am being ungrateful (or blaming him for what I “don’t” have), I am telling him he is not doing a good enough job. 

That is so far from the truth. He is amazing. He works so hard for us. I may not get new shoes every season, or year, but I am clothed and we do take vacations and I  get to go on a date every once in a while and I pretty much get Chipotle every time I want it.   

I’m sorry Ry-Ry for being ungrateful. I’m sorry for not trusting God with my needs and wants and putting all of the burden and responsibility on you.

So, before you give him “that look”  or make a “certain comment” when your BFF buys a nice new house or your neighbor pulls up in that shiny new car… just think about what you might really be saying to your Husband, and don’t say it.

 

=)

 

(Disclaimer- I am not judging anyone else here, I am just sharing my personal feelings. I also know that it is NOT wrong to desire new shoes or a new outfit, or anything you may be desiring. I am just commenting on my response to my Husband in situations such as the one I have experienced.)

 

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Filed under God Things, Marriage & My Spouse

Do we always like our kids?

photoI was talking with a friend of mine who is having a hard time parenting her 18 month old son. She says to me: “I feel like such a bad Mom; I do not always like my Son. He is very difficult to deal with and is always yelling and screaming. When I get on Facebook, everyone loves being a Mother and loves having children- I just do not feel that way”.

Well, she is not alone, is she ladies? I know that I am not out of line in saying that this is a VERY common feeling! I have been there these past few weeks myself. Parenting is HARD! Being a Mom is hard. No doubt about it. Sure, there are seasons of parenting that are easier than others, but as a whole, this is the hardest job in town.

I know it is super easy to get caught up in the “I am a terrible Mom” mindset. Especially when we are comparing ourselves to the “Highlight Reel” of “Super Mom’s” on Facebook and Instagram. Be assured, there is no such thing. Often times, the pictures I post on social media are the only joyful moments of the day! The rest of the time when I am not posting pictures, I am cleaning  dried up food off of the walls and disciplining a little boy who can’t seem to grasp the idea that hitting his Sister with a bat is a bad thing.

To the Mom who is chasing after aggressive and energetic boys, or arguing with a strong-willed daughter, or a Mom who has a new baby who won’t stop crying and never sleeps… You are normal. This is normal. We are in this together. We WILL get through it! We will. It gets better.

Take a deep breath. It will all be okay. It will. We will.

I love my kids. Do I always like my kids? Sometimes, no. But I do want to be the best Mother I can be and love these little gremlins even when I feel they are not worthy of being loved for the moment.

Are you with me?

We are Mom’s! We have the greatest most important job in the world. It is not always easy. We are never going to be perfect. BUT, it is SO worth it.

We can’t do it alone so go call someone. Pray. Go on a date. Drop that kid off at Grandma’s!  Take a nap. Put on a darn movie (Do it I won’t think any less of you).

 

And that, is my trying to encourage the weary Mom. Do you feel encouraged? <wink>

=)

 

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

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Filed under Baby #2: Abram, Fun & Random Things, God Things, Lucy

Jehovah Jireh

Remember when I mentioned that one of the things I would like to “focus” on this year is contentment? Well, thankfulness and gratefulness come hand in hand with contentment. If I am being discontent, I am also being ungrateful and not thankful for what I have. It is a very sobering thought to label myself as “ungrateful”. But, Of course, that is what I am each and every time I am being discontent in something.

So, the point.

Lets just say that the first three days of the New Year have been nothing short of… well… difficult? Challenging?  I wouldn’t say I have been anxious through these situations because I truly believe that God will provide for me/us… like he does each and every day through every circumstance. BUT, I can’t help but chuckle and think: “Lord, what are you doing here?!”.

We spent the night in the ER on NYE. We are uninsured.

New Years Day, We had to have Ryan’s work truck towed to the shop because it will not start. Again.

Today, All of siding is falling off of our house because of the snow and the wind.

Thankful? I should be thankful for these things?

I am not sure how we are going to cover all of these expenses. I don’t know how I can deal with my pride and “fear of man” (a churchy phrase for “what people think of me”) when our house looks crappy because of the missing siding. I don’t know what I will do if something else happens. Please Lord, nothing else!

BUT-

I am thankful. I am thankful that you are my provider. I am not happy that these things are happening, but I am thankful, grateful, that you are taking care of them. Taking care of us. You will take care of these things as you have taken care of everything else.

“…for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.” Matthew 6:8

“Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” Isaiah 46:4

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me…” Psalm 28 7

I am not telling everyone this for pity or charity.  I know that some of you may be experiencing similar situations and maybe, the faith that God has given me in Him, the comfort and the peace, the truth, may also serve you. Help you when you feel overwhelmed and anxious with expenses or burdens.

Take a moment to listen and meditate on the song below. It is very beautiful. It will serve your soul.

 

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One Word (or two) 2014

nye

New Years Resolution? Nah. No thanks.

But, what about a New Year focus?

I came across something quite interesting recently that has given me a different perspective.

I subscribe to a blog called Praise and Coffee, I received an email yesterday entitled “One Word- 2014” (click here to read the whole article). Basically you choose “one word” to focus on this year. Instead of trying to change, or add or do… you pick a focus. I like that. Something positive to focus on, instead of guilt and disappointment when a resolution has not been made or fulfilled.

This year, as I have been pondering which word God wants me to focus on (He knows me better and knows which areas I am lacking focus better than I do). I have been hearing and seeing the word “faithful” a lot. Now, honestly, I have no idea what this means. I do know that it has been showing up in my life for a reason.  I don’t know exactly which area or facet of “faithful” I am to focus on but I am going to keep it and pray about what this means or looks like in my life.

“A faithful person will be richly blessed, but one eager to get rich will not go unpunished.” Proverb 28:20

Two words?

There is something else that I would really like to try to focus on because I have noticed that I have been really struggling with it lately (or, my whole life?). This year, I am really really going to focus on growing in “contentment“. It is simple…

“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have.” Hebrews 13:5

Ugh. Why is this so hard?! But, hopefully, as I dig into what it means and looks like to be content, God will help me to put on an attitude of contentment and in 2014, I can reflect back at the year and see all of the ways in which I have grown in this area. That, will be awesome. *Yes, I love run on sentences!*

So, What is one word that you are going to focus on this year??

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Filed under Fun & Random Things, God Things