Tag Archives: Birthday

Something Is Not Right

baby3One year ago today, I was sitting on the beach with my family, the first time I thought “something’s not right”.

The next 48 hours was spent doing everything I could to get my baby to move, while trying not to panic and ruin everyone’s vacation. I was curious, cautious, but not yet concerned.

Google said that it could be a growth spurt and our baby could just be sleeping, or “you’re just busy and haven’t noticed that he is “, when in fact, he wasn’t.

One year ago today, my life changed forever. I didn’t know it yet. Not for another few days. But today was the beginning.

On my Birthday, I was in labor for 18 hours. I delivered a stillborn baby boy. I came home with milk and no baby to feed. I had children who frequently asked me “why did our baby have to die?” and other questions I couldn’t answer like “when can we have another baby?” There were many conversations with people who asked me “how is the baby?” because they didn’t know and I had to tell them without crying and making them feel uncomfortable. I had to lose the baby weight and manage the hormones and… live a life as if it were normal.

I am not the person I was before we lost our son. This makes me sad because I was a pretty happy person in general. I hope to one day feel joy and contentment again. I assume this will take some time.

There is a hole in my heart that has been open. I have spent the last year trying to fill this void, praying this void would be filled, and it just hasn’t. It is a hole I am going to have to live with and I am trying to figure out how.

I have come a long way since last June, but I am not where I want to be.

Some days, even weeks, I might not think once about the trial we have been through. On other days, it is all I can think about. I would rather not think about it. It’s quite annoying that I just can’t get passed this and that one year later I still effects me.

People say that this is normal and it will take time. I find this very annoying. Can’t we just move on? Clearly I’m impatient. But I mean, who really wants grief to last this long?

Please don’t be offended if I don’t seem happy about your baby news. I am happy for you, I am just sad for me. I rather not engage or talk about it with you because I don’t want to be sad. On the other hand, please don’t not tell me because you think it will make me sad, that will make me sad. I want to rejoice with you. So basically, act normal but don’t get offended if I act weird. Actually, don’t get offended if I act weird about a lot of things. I’m sorry.

You may be wondering if we have or want to try to conceive again. At this time we have been unsuccessful. I am okay with this because I don’t like being pregnant since I am literally sick the ENTIRE time, yet I am sad because I would love to have more children. It’s worth the sacrifice. We have considered adoption and Foster Care but at this time we feel that it is not the right thing for us.

Soooo…. Lot’s of annoying things for a planner who can’t control any aspect of her life.

I pray that this next year, I will be able to see the good that has come from a difficult situation. I pray that I would not focus so much on my circumstances but be mindful of my many blessings. I pray for joy. I pray for contentment. I Pray for all of those who can relate to my story on a personal level, peace be with you.

And thanks to all of you for your support this past year. You have been a blessing.




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Filed under Baby #3, God Things

End of Summer Blues


(Raise your hand if you are team Kohr Brothers)

Where did the summer go? It’s gone but I honestly can’t remember what I did with half of it! Too fast. I’m sad.

I may be in the minority here when I say that I am really sad to send my kids back to school. I love having them home with me so much, even though they are often the cause of most of my emotional issues.

I could keep crying. This won’t happen every year, right? I thought I’d be good after Kindergarten.

Also, Lucy’s new first grade teacher is “big on Homework”. Ugh! I have NEVER been good with homework. I’m nervous. I am sorry Lucy if you fail first grade because your Mom stinks at doing Homework. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Have I mentioned that my daughter is boy crazy? Well, she is. She is totally into love and “romance”… I can’t change it, it is who she is. I definitely try not to encourage it, but I can’t stop it either. So, can you imagine her delight when she found out her “boyfriend” was going to be in her class this year. Please note that this “boyfriend” does not know that he is her “boyfriend”. If you could have seen her face when she saw him walk into her classroom at Back to School Night this evening… oh my goodness… I just can’t. Think, high school boy crush face… rosy cheeks and all. What in the world am I going to do when she is 16?!

I am going to miss you Lu. I hope that you rock first grade like you rocked Kindergarten. You are amazingly bright and spunky and I love you so much. Be the light God created you to be!

Abram turned FOUR this weekend. I can’t believe he is four, he is my baby. Four doesn’t seem as old as it did with my first. Isn’t that weird? With Lucy I thought four was so old and I had all of these unreasonable expectations for her as a four year old. Now with Abram I’m all like “I guess you should start wiping your own butt” and I still want to carry him around even though he’s way too heavy and he crushes my lungs.

I am hoping that with this new year he will develop a little more self-control and anger coping skills. I also hope he learns to wipe his own butt and learn his ABC’s because he’s supposed to go to Kindergarten next year and to him, there are still only eight letters in the alphabet.

I love Abram so much. He is by far the most difficult child I have EVER met yet he is also at the same time the most loving child I have ever met. He loves his Mamma and tells me I am beautiful all of the time.He’s so affectionate and complimentary. Thank goodness because with all the stress he causes I need a reason to like him. Joking-ish.

Abram is passionate. Whether he is happy or sad or angry, he I passionate about it. Raising a strong willed passionate child is NOT easy, however I am very excited to see where such passion will take him as a young man. I prayed for Abram when I was pregnant, that the Lord would make him a strong leader, well… I guess I should have thought about that a little harder when I prayed that. I am thankful for the Lord’s answered prayer but OH MAN… I should have thought that one through…

You probably will not care about this but for my own records… Abram’s favorites are pizza, mac & cheese and cereal. The only vegetable I can get him to eat is cucumber and sometimes he will take a bite of a carrot. He is a picky eater and is very particular about how things are cut (symmetrically) and having proper utensils. Actually, he is very particular about everything which leads me to wonder if he has a mild case of OCD, or if this is just an interesting faze? I guess time will tell. Another specific example of this as I will want to remember in the future is how his socks have to be perfectly square to his toes, his blankets have to be positioned in a specific order and his shoes have to be tied juuuust right while the laces can’t touch the ground.

Abram’s favorite bedtime song is still Twinkle Twinkle. Abram always volunteers to be the one to pray before dinner. His favorite books are Pizza Pat, The Little Puppy and the Big Green Monster, Goodnight Already, Look and Find books and any book from the Library with Super Heroes.

Abram’s favorite things are weapons (all kinds), Ninja Turtles, watching movies, T-Ball and Soccer, playing with Daddy in “the jumpy house” we keep in our basement, swimming and snuggling with Mommy. And his big Sister Lucy whom he loves and admires, and picks on constantly. When Abram grows up he wants to be a Police Man.


Ugh. Guess I’ll try to go to bed now. I don’t want to…

One more day until school…









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Filed under Baby #2: Abram, Fun & Random Things

My Big Little 4 Year Old

Iphone Pics 2014 875

“Her smile beams like sunshine, which fills our hearts with love.” – Unknown


Future memoir of a 4-year-old, as told by Lucy… 

What is your Favorite color? “All of the colors”

What is your favorite food? “Spaghetti”

What food do you not like? “Purple Lettuce”

What is your favorite movie? “Herkaleez (Hercules)”

Who is your best friend? “Evie, Vincent, Eli, Hannah, Brooklyn, Mosley, Abram, Cousins…

What is your favorite book? “I Am Sam”

What do you like to learn in school? “Nothing, we just don’t learn nothing in school.”   [clearly]

Is there something that you are afraid of? “Monsters”

What do you want to be when you grow up? “A real Teacher and Fashion Girl”

What is your favorite thing about Daddy? “He gives me a hug and kiss.”

What is your favorite thing about Mommy? “You say “good morning” to me when you wake up.”

What is your favorite thing about Abram? “That he goes to bed and we can watch movies when he goes to bed.”

What is one thing you hope to do as a 4-year-old?


Lucy, your Daddy and I love you very much. Words can not express the joy you bring to our lives. Over the past four years I have not only seen you grow physically, but have witnessed your personality grow and mature as well. Though you are still little in size, you have a very big heart. You love people and love to make people laugh. You have tons of energy and hate to sleep. You like to “make-believe” and play Barbie’s. You love to color and make “kwafts”. You are a great helper in the kitchen and you are so good with your little Brother. I know he gets on your nerves a lot but you are so patient and kind to him (most of the time). I think it is so funny when you use big words because you are very dramatic and it really suits you. You love to sing and dance and I see a lot of passion in you in both areas. I am excited to see you put these gifts to use in the future (still praying that a good voice also comes with that passion). You are quick to forgive and quick to ask for forgiveness. You are thoughtful. You are inquisitive and eager. You are a great manipulator. You are beautiful and we love every bit of you. Even your crazy outfits and your obsession with shoes. Love you little girl, keep smiling!

-Mom & Dad





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Happy Birthday Mamma!

My Mom is…

Generous. She is very generous with her time and is always willing to take the children off of my hands.

A Baker. My Mom is pretty much the best baker ever. There is not a sweet that she can’t make, nor is it anything less than amazing.

A Brunette. She has recently had an identity crisis and thinks she is a redhead. She is not.

 A Hard worker. My Mother has been working since she could walk. She has always worked hard for our family and continues to be an important asset

to her company. She has sacrificed a lot in her life to provide for herself and our family.


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Lucy Turns Three

lucy birthday

Well my girl, you are now three years old. Why does three seem so much older than two?

What a beautiful girl you are. Very sweet and sensitive, funny and smart.

You have really embraced being a big sister. I can’t believe how easy the transition has been for you. You treat Abram like he has been around your whole life. I love watching you try to play with him and give him big hugs while saying “I love you My Buddy!”. Sweetest thing ever.

You absolutely love wearing your pajamas. You could say this has been some sort of a struggle between the two of us. You have to change into your pajamas everyday for nap time (after finally convincing you to get out of them) and then we have to “conversate” to get you back out of them after nap time only to get right back in them (usually the same Princess PJs or Kitty PJs) three hours later for bed time. You could let me pick out a pair for you every once in a while…

You sing all day long. All day. You make up your own songs that make no sense and you dance around. All day.

Your favorite foods are pizza, mac and cheese, broccoli, goldfish, string beans, butter (yes, you like to eat butter) and cottage cheese with apple butter. Quite balanced wouldn’t you say? I can’t complain, you will usually try anything and eat pretty well most of the time as long as you aren’t busy playing.

You don’t have a favorite movie but you LOVE watching movies. At three years old we have already had to have you fast from TV. You like to play with Barbies and  little doll type people. You love to read and you make me tell you a “story” every time we go to bed after reading  books (stories are made-up from our heads using our imagination). You are getting really good at doing puzzles and your favorite place to go is the Library. Pink is your favorite color and you still love shoes.

You think your Dad can fix anything. Whenever you break something or find that something is broken you say: “It’s ok Mommy, Daddy can take it to work and fix it with his tools”. Here is a secret, he usually just throws it away and you forget about it (like your Barbie shoes) or he brings you home a new one (like your pink headband). I can’t have you thinking he is amazing forever! <wink>

Did I mention you like to sing?

You are in two dance classes. I think you prefer Jazz because you pick up the moves quicker but you love going to ballet too. You walk around the house “pee-ay” and “wellavay”-ing everywhere. I ask you after every class if you made any new friends and you say “no, I was shy in class today”.

We had a “Pinkalicious” Birthday Party for you and a few of your little girlfriends on you Birthday. When you woke up and saw the house decorated in pink, you ran into my room with a big smile and said: “I love my party Mom!”. It was the best compliment ever.

I love you so much. You make me smile and laugh and get really angry. You are my best friend and I am so honored to be your Mother. Your Dad, let’s just say he is wrapped around your little finger. He only takes your advice these days… good thing you have a good sense of fashion! Your MiMi spoils you rotten. I’ve been begging her to stop buying you stuff.

You love your cousins. obsessed. We can’t go anywhere without you asking if they will be there too. You admire Keely, love to play with Lila and Mae, compare “adulthood” to Ezra and never forget to include Jude. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family, aren’t we?

Hoping and praying for another wonderful year together filled with lots of laughter and new experiences.

Happy Birthday!



Filed under Lucy

27 Candles

I think this is the year that my hair will start turning gray.

I WILL be motivated to not just work off my baby weight but to get toned. Amen.

Stretch marks… doesn’t everyone have them at this age?

I WILL eat lots of Ice Cream because it is amazing.

Happy Birthday to me. What a wonderful year it has been!

A Hot Date, my favorite cake and some new shades- what more could a girl ask for?!

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Filed under Fun & Random Things, Marriage & My Spouse


You fill my heart with gladness

Take away all my sadness

Ease my troubles, that’s what you do

– Rod Stewart

I hate to quote Rod Stewart here but it seems appropriate when I think about Lucy. I actually am a closet Rod Stewart Fan. My baby sitter in elementary school listened to R.S. all. the. time. so now I know all of his songs by heart.

Anyway, back to the point of this post…

Tomorrow, November 28th, is my baby girls 2nd Birthday. Holy Moley. Can not believe it. I am sure I said that last year when she turned one but here we are again. Another Birthday.

Last year she was still a baby. This year, she is a little girl!!

Today was her Birthday party. Don’t be offended if you weren’t invited… it was just a family party.


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Lucy knows her colors and can almost count to ten. She loves pizza, string beans, string cheese, apples, mac & cheese and humus. She LOVES to dance. She loves “flops” (flip flops). She loves watching movies “wat mooovie?”(watch movie?). Elmo is her favorite. We are starting to introduce a few Disney movies.

She is really girly and loves babies and her purse. She enjoys coloring, play dough, stuffed animals (sleeping with ALL of them) and her cousins.

My favorite things this second year of Lucy’s life would be hearing her sing along with all of her songs in the car, hearing all of her new words and sentences (like hearing her say “I love you”, “pweeeze” & “wat dis” (watch this)). Also seeing her interact with her toys and using her imagination is really fun.

Now, don’t get me wrong, of course I think she is amazing and beautiful and smart and funny, but there is also a lot of challenges that have come along.

Being diligent with our disciplining methods is really challenging. You want to give up and give in so many times just to keep her from crying or freaking out. I can see how so many children get really bratty… I think it is because this is such a pivotal age and it is so easy to give them what they want just to keep them happy. Not giving in has been really hard but it has also been one of our greatest accomplishments.

She is not perfect, and neither are we.

We fought for a whole week at every nap time and bed time about her binky and I did not give in, no matter how much she cried or whined. And, now, she doesn’t even ask. She knows that binky time is bed time. This little victory encourages me whenever we are trying to train her in other ways that seem to be very challenging. That, and her becoming pickier at meal time has been the most difficult part of this year.

To you Lucy, Happy Birthday my love. I could not have made you better if I made you myself. That means, if I got to hand pick everything about you… you have turned out way better than I could have ever imagined. God knew what I needed and what I wanted because you are perfect to me in every way. Even when you are grumpy. Which actually really gets on my nerves. But even your attitude teaches me something about myself. And what I learn about myself helps me grow into a better wife and mother.

I love you.


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Filed under Fun & Random Things, Lucy