Tag Archives: Family

Something Is Not Right

baby3One year ago today, I was sitting on the beach with my family, the first time I thought “something’s not right”.

The next 48 hours was spent doing everything I could to get my baby to move, while trying not to panic and ruin everyone’s vacation. I was curious, cautious, but not yet concerned.

Google said that it could be a growth spurt and our baby could just be sleeping, or “you’re just busy and haven’t noticed that he is “, when in fact, he wasn’t.

One year ago today, my life changed forever. I didn’t know it yet. Not for another few days. But today was the beginning.

On my Birthday, I was in labor for 18 hours. I delivered a stillborn baby boy. I came home with milk and no baby to feed. I had children who frequently asked me “why did our baby have to die?” and other questions I couldn’t answer like “when can we have another baby?” There were many conversations with people who asked me “how is the baby?” because they didn’t know and I had to tell them without crying and making them feel uncomfortable. I had to lose the baby weight and manage the hormones and… live a life as if it were normal.

I am not the person I was before we lost our son. This makes me sad because I was a pretty happy person in general. I hope to one day feel joy and contentment again. I assume this will take some time.

There is a hole in my heart that has been open. I have spent the last year trying to fill this void, praying this void would be filled, and it just hasn’t. It is a hole I am going to have to live with and I am trying to figure out how.

I have come a long way since last June, but I am not where I want to be.

Some days, even weeks, I might not think once about the trial we have been through. On other days, it is all I can think about. I would rather not think about it. It’s quite annoying that I just can’t get passed this and that one year later I still effects me.

People say that this is normal and it will take time. I find this very annoying. Can’t we just move on? Clearly I’m impatient. But I mean, who really wants grief to last this long?

Please don’t be offended if I don’t seem happy about your baby news. I am happy for you, I am just sad for me. I rather not engage or talk about it with you because I don’t want to be sad. On the other hand, please don’t not tell me because you think it will make me sad, that will make me sad. I want to rejoice with you. So basically, act normal but don’t get offended if I act weird. Actually, don’t get offended if I act weird about a lot of things. I’m sorry.

You may be wondering if we have or want to try to conceive again. At this time we have been unsuccessful. I am okay with this because I don’t like being pregnant since I am literally sick the ENTIRE time, yet I am sad because I would love to have more children. It’s worth the sacrifice. We have considered adoption and Foster Care but at this time we feel that it is not the right thing for us.

Soooo…. Lot’s of annoying things for a planner who can’t control any aspect of her life.

I pray that this next year, I will be able to see the good that has come from a difficult situation. I pray that I would not focus so much on my circumstances but be mindful of my many blessings. I pray for joy. I pray for contentment. I Pray for all of those who can relate to my story on a personal level, peace be with you.

And thanks to all of you for your support this past year. You have been a blessing.

 

 

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Filed under Baby #3, God Things

The Aluminum Anniversary

A “friend” of mine pulled up next to this hot guy I had been “noticing” for quite a while, and rolled down her car window to tell this boy, rather loudly, that “she wants to have your babies!”. I, of course, calmly countered this comment with a “NO I DON’T!!!” followed by an “OMG- I can’t believe you just did that.”

Little did I know, I would in fact have this boys babies. And marry him. And still be together 16 years later.

Ryan and I have been married for ten years. TEN! Ten sounds so long but it feels like nothing. In this day in age, I think ten years is definitely something to celebrate.

Speaking of celebrate…

Ryan and I did not take a proper honeymoon because we were trying to be wise with our money and save it to put towards a house. It wasn’t long before we regretted this decision and began planning a second honeymoon  for the summer following our One Year Anniversary. Welp. Surprise! We’re pregnant! Can’t go away now, we need to buy a house!

So we bought the house. We did go on a weeks vacation that summer to the Ocean. On our way there, Ryan’s diesel truck broke down and we had to have it towed to DE. We were in OC for a week without a vehicle and would have to get a ride home from our vacation because his truck would need to stay in DE for another week due to the extensive service it needed. $5,000.00 later…

That’s okay. ONE DAY we will get to go on that nice trip.

Fast forward 8 years. We have a lovely young German fellow staying with us for the year who we fall in love with and becomes a part of our family. We are 100% going to Germany to celebrate our 10 year Wedding Anniversary. Let’s make it two weeks and we will travel Europe. It’s a deal. Done.

Year 9, I get pregnant. Nope. I am not going to Europe with a toddler. That will not be fun at all. Our then German daughter who we also love and adore, decides to then plan a vacation to the US with her family during the summer of year 10.

So, we better hurry quick and remodel this kitchen because we can’t have them come here and stay with us and still have this terrible kitchen that I swore we would have torn out by now… (anyone see a pattern here?)…

Ryan, for our ten year Anniversary, could we please remodel our kitchen? That would be a GREAT gift. I mean. Since we can’t got to Europe and all.

Well, we can’t. Because it costs a lot of money.

Fine. Fine. I’ll accept that. I don’t want to but I understand. I mean we have a credit card, but yeah, you’re right. Let’s be responsible. I mean, what is another $10,000.00 on top of the ENTIRE HVAC system we had to replace last year??

Cool. So. Lets just do a little mini vacation. A beach! Totally. Let’s do it. I will send you email after email of all the great vacation deals I have found online and I will let you pick one and surprise me. It will be such a surprise. Could you imagine getting to do something so fun after the terrible year we have had? Dream. Dream. Dream.

Taxes come. Actually, no. They don’t come. Taxes PAID.

No mini vacation.

Okay, cool. That’s cool. It’s fine. I’m okay with it.

We have a gift card to Texas Roadhouse. <tears. tears. tears.>

Luckily my Husband has enough sense to tell me that we will in fact not be having dinner at The Texas Roadhouse for dinner on our Ten Year Wedding Anniversary.

Guess what we did on Thursday for our Ten Year Wedding Anniversary? We went to Texas Roadhouse. With the kids.

From two weeks in Europe to an evening at Texas Roadhouse.

Life.

“If your marriage is strong, even if all the circumstances in your life around you are filled with trouble and weakness, it won’t matter. You will be able to move out into the world in strength.” -Timothy Keller

Our marriage is not perfect and it does not always feel strong but what I can say about 10 years of ups and downs, those trials have “tested our faith” and our marriage and it has “produced steadfastness” (undeviating consistency, unwavering strength) . I know this because I was able to have dinner with my family at Texas Roadhouse and have a good time. Now of course, I was a bit disappointed, and Ryan told me not to cry when I mentioned that I couldn’t believe this is where we were in life after ten years, but I enjoyed it.

Look at this life we have made.  We have more than we need (though I could debate a few things =P ) an amazing, beautiful family and a lot of love.

Happy Anniversary, Ryan.

____________

*Update. On Saturday morning, Ryan surprised me with an overnight stay in the City. We did touristy things (Ft. McHenry, O’s Game, Light City) and slept in a KING SIVE bed (amazing) and watched Cable TV all morning and I didn’t have to cook one meal. It was great and very sweet. And in true “us fashion”, we walked around for an hour and a half looking for a place to have dinner because we wanted something specific and then by the time we decided to “settle” there was a two hour wait eat every restaurant- so we ended up back at our hotel in a mediocre restaurant. BUT my food was really good so it all worked out. =)

us2

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Filed under Marriage & My Spouse

The Drums

I know some of you think we are crazy for getting a musical instrument for our preschooler. A very loud musical instrument. He would have had them last year if Mr. Price didn’t put his foot down. Thankfully he came around this year and agreed to let me get a drum kit for our boy.

Abram “plays the drums” on everything and talks about wanting to play the big drums when he gets older so naturally I wanted to help cultivate the musical side of my son, even if it meant a few disturbances here and there…

Today, Abram was up in his room practicing his drums to his favorite song. He had the song on repeat and played it over and over, each time I could here him picking up a different rhythm or trying to figure out how to play a combination he was hearing. This made me start to cry.

Why did I cry? Like, Literally cry?  I started to cry because I prayed for this.

While I was pregnant with both of my children, I prayed very specific things for them. Some things were physical, some prayers included interests and personality traits. I prayed that both of my children would be musical. I prayed that Lucy would particularly be gifted in singing and Abram instrumentally. Now I am not sure about Lucy (It’s not lookin’ good) but I can say that I definitely can see a love for instruments in Abram. He’s four, he is definitely not good yet, but I can see his passion da diligence to learn.

I always cry when I see my prayers answered in my children. It reminds me that God hears our prayers, even the really little ones deep down in our heart that we don’t think is so important. God listens, he hears, he answers. Now, he doesn’t always answer the way we would hope, or as soon as we would hope, but he does answer. [I am still waiting for my Whitney Houston voice and Ryan is still waiting to turn into a Monkey for a day (true story).]

Our children could have turned out any way He wanted them to, but that fact that God took my hearts desires into consideration, I am grateful. And thankful. And I feel loved and cared for because I know that someone is always listening and always there, even when I feel alone. Sure, I really hoped that my prayers would be answered, and I would have been fine if they weren’t, but this one prayer was, and, I use a lot of commas. <wink>

So anyway, today while he was up in his room doin his thing, I tried to sneak a few pictures and videos because I thought it was so sweet. Apparently I am not that stealthy because he caught me right away.

img_5885

PS. Everyone has rooms that look like this, right?

PPS. When can I stop buying Goodnights?!

 

=)

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Filed under Baby #2: Abram

Meh.

Hello. It’s me! Janet, wife to Ryan. Mother to Lucy and Abram and a half Mother to a cool Exchange Student named Anton. Just thought I would leave a refresher since I’ve been missing and you probably have forgotten about me.

So, what’s been going on? I have been losing my mind over here. Not that things have been super stressful, or, maybe they have, I don’t remember. Every day just comes and goes.  I wake up looking forward to bed time. That sounds depressing reading it on paper. Eh, on screen. It’s not bad. I’m just busy and tired. Aren’t we all?

I thought things would be easier with Lucy in School full-time but, actually I am busier! I live by the schedule. And, I look back at my days and literally have no idea what I did. Well I do, but it doesn’t sound like much.

Topic change.

So, once I turned 30, everything started going down hill. If you haven’t turned 30 yet, get ready! If you have turned 30, you can relate. If you have turned 30 and nothing has happened to you… well, good for you. For example; pimples. I have never had so many pimples in my life. I never went through the weird teenage skin phase, and now, I am even more grateful that I didn’t. Another thing, my MEMORY! What?! I have always prided myself on my amazing recollection of unnecessary information and now, I literally can’t recall half of the things in my brain. Ugh. I hate it!! Lastly, (not really lastly, but just at the top of the 30 board) Pre-midlife crisis! What? Who am I? What is my purpose? What is my direction? Am I good at anything? Blah. Blah. Blah. Why?

Dumb.

Well, my little just woke up and I have to get ready to pick up my big.

Hopefully, I will have some more time to write in the near future. And, if you think about it, this Hyperthyroidism thing (hashtag 30) keeps me DoWn a lot during my free-time, so, if I am feeling better, I can write more. And, that would be awesome.

Love to all of you! Thanks for reading!

=)

 

 

 

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Filed under Fun & Random Things

I’m Two and Kind of Terrible

Abram (2)

Hello. I’m Abram. Aren’t I cute? Yeah, I know. I know how to work it.

Do you like my shirt? I prefer to wear clothes that only have balls on them. My Mom tries to get me to wear other types of clothing (you know, like stripes or shirts with words- yuck!) but I give her a fit until she finds something I like.

You know what else I like to do? Eat. I love to eat. I am always “hungey”. My Mom tries to get me to eat healthy stuff but I refuse to eat until she finally gives me cereal. It would have been a whole lot easier on her if she had just given me what I wanted in the first place!

My Mom, I love that lady. In fact, I love her so much that when other kids (like my Sister) try to play with her or sit on her lap, I push them off or yell and cry until there is room for me. I know she is great and all but she is all MINE! Well, except when she tries to put clothes on me… then I run from her.

Oh man. This is the funniest thing. I just figured out how to shoot snot out of my nose. My Mom HATES it when I do that. If I really want to make her mad, after she like, makes me put on my seat belt or tells me “no”, I just snot everywhere. It’s awesome.

I hate the Dr. My Mom tried to take me there to get a check-up (why do I need a check-up? I’m Fine!). OH NO! I was not having it! I know what they do there. They like, take my temperature and like, make me stand on this thing that tell my Mom how much food I’ve been eating. Don’t worry, I figured out how to get out of there right quick. I basically just scream and cry and yell and shake and kick and yell until everyone leaves me alone. I thought it was a good idea but my Mom was NOT happy! She told Dad that he had to take me to the Dr. from now on. I guess I should have thought that one through.

The girls in my house can’t understand why I like to beat things up so much. I mean, who doesn’t like a good fight? Why would God make me so strong if I wasn’t allowed to hit anyone? They don’t get it.

Also, I met this girl. She’s pretty cool I guess. Her name is Anna. She likes to build Snowmen and ride bikes around the hallway. That is so cool. Mom doesn’t let me see her that much even though I ask her everyday. That’s okay. I have a recording of her singing that I get to listen to in the car when I “do a good job”… whatever that means. She’s my favorite.

You know what else is my favorite? Fish! I just turned two and my Mom and Dad took me to the big place that has all of the fish. You know, where Nemo lives! I love it there! They have BIG SHARKS!  And Nemo! Please Mom… I want to “SEE FISH”!

I better go now. My Sister wants me to go jump on the bed with her. I might go chase the dog. Oooo, maybe I will go sneak some goldfish. Or sneak my binky out of my bed. Or poop. Who knows, I can do whatever I want! I run this joint!

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Do we always like our kids?

photoI was talking with a friend of mine who is having a hard time parenting her 18 month old son. She says to me: “I feel like such a bad Mom; I do not always like my Son. He is very difficult to deal with and is always yelling and screaming. When I get on Facebook, everyone loves being a Mother and loves having children- I just do not feel that way”.

Well, she is not alone, is she ladies? I know that I am not out of line in saying that this is a VERY common feeling! I have been there these past few weeks myself. Parenting is HARD! Being a Mom is hard. No doubt about it. Sure, there are seasons of parenting that are easier than others, but as a whole, this is the hardest job in town.

I know it is super easy to get caught up in the “I am a terrible Mom” mindset. Especially when we are comparing ourselves to the “Highlight Reel” of “Super Mom’s” on Facebook and Instagram. Be assured, there is no such thing. Often times, the pictures I post on social media are the only joyful moments of the day! The rest of the time when I am not posting pictures, I am cleaning  dried up food off of the walls and disciplining a little boy who can’t seem to grasp the idea that hitting his Sister with a bat is a bad thing.

To the Mom who is chasing after aggressive and energetic boys, or arguing with a strong-willed daughter, or a Mom who has a new baby who won’t stop crying and never sleeps… You are normal. This is normal. We are in this together. We WILL get through it! We will. It gets better.

Take a deep breath. It will all be okay. It will. We will.

I love my kids. Do I always like my kids? Sometimes, no. But I do want to be the best Mother I can be and love these little gremlins even when I feel they are not worthy of being loved for the moment.

Are you with me?

We are Mom’s! We have the greatest most important job in the world. It is not always easy. We are never going to be perfect. BUT, it is SO worth it.

We can’t do it alone so go call someone. Pray. Go on a date. Drop that kid off at Grandma’s!  Take a nap. Put on a darn movie (Do it I won’t think any less of you).

 

And that, is my trying to encourage the weary Mom. Do you feel encouraged? <wink>

=)

 

“For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

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Filed under Baby #2: Abram, Fun & Random Things, God Things, Lucy

18 Months and All Boy!

abe n lu

My Baby boy is now officially a year and a half.  What a snuggler!!! Great sleeper. Lots of energy. Strong willed. I love him.

Abram is pretty challenging because he is into everything… and I am not used to that. He is adventurous, daring and fearless. He is quick (super quick) and smart. How does one think to do such things? I need a nap.

He eats all day. All. Day. Long. He is constantly sneaking cereal and goldfish and drawing my attention to the snack cabinets. I do not understand. You just finished eating breakfast. Three eggs and toast and milk did not fill you up?

Abram is weighing in at 27 pounds, which is only in the 50%. There is only a three or four pound difference between he and Lucy. He is  in the 95% for height (34ish inches I think?). His Doctor calls him “long and lean”.

Some of Abram’s favorite things include: eating, dancing, Lucy,  playing with balls, eating, taking baths, balloons and wrestling.

Abram does not like being told to sit (or having to sit), reading books, cold lunch meat, having his diaper changed or getting dressed (basically anything that means he has to be still for a period of time).

Abram’s favorite songs are the “Itsy Bitsy Spider” and “If You’re Happy and You Know It”.

His favorite foods are goldfish, eggs and anything that I am eating.

Oh yeah, I wanted to include a few words he is saying just for my own records. Though not quite all clear, He is talking more and more. He practically tries to repeat everything I say which is pretty cute. Of course, he still prefers to call me Janet instead of Mom, though I have heard him say “Ma” recently. Daddy, Apple, Lucy, Pretzel, Cup, Up, Down, Cheese, Cereal, Pop (for lolly-pop) and Eat are some of his frequently used vocabulary words. Say it with me: “I love Mom, she is my favorite!”.

When I was pregnant with Abram I used to pray very specific things for him (he and Lucy both). It is exciting for me to see him growing in the very areas that I specifically prayed. For example- I prayed that he would be gifted athletically and  I have seen natural ability, talent and interest in all kinds of sporty activities (just ask Ryan, he is very proud!). I prayed that he would have a passion or gifting in music (preferably with an instrument). He definitely enjoys music whether it be dancing, singing or playing on our drums. Lastly, as his name means “Leader of Nations”, I prayed that he would be a leader. A Humble leader, one who leads by example and stands firm to his convictions (spiritually and relationally).  Unfortunately, the only leadership qualities I have noticed in him is that he does whatever the heck he wants! Ha-Ha. That’s not true. He likes to lead prayers at the dinner table.  ;0)

18 Months of smiles and gray hairs. I wouldn’t change a minute of it!

(Well, maybe you could just calm down a notch on the aggression!)

Love ya!

cheese handsome

mess

turtle syrup

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