Tag Archives: pregnancy

Something Is Not Right

baby3One year ago today, I was sitting on the beach with my family, the first time I thought “something’s not right”.

The next 48 hours was spent doing everything I could to get my baby to move, while trying not to panic and ruin everyone’s vacation. I was curious, cautious, but not yet concerned.

Google said that it could be a growth spurt and our baby could just be sleeping, or “you’re just busy and haven’t noticed that he is “, when in fact, he wasn’t.

One year ago today, my life changed forever. I didn’t know it yet. Not for another few days. But today was the beginning.

On my Birthday, I was in labor for 18 hours. I delivered a stillborn baby boy. I came home with milk and no baby to feed. I had children who frequently asked me “why did our baby have to die?” and other questions I couldn’t answer like “when can we have another baby?” There were many conversations with people who asked me “how is the baby?” because they didn’t know and I had to tell them without crying and making them feel uncomfortable. I had to lose the baby weight and manage the hormones and… live a life as if it were normal.

I am not the person I was before we lost our son. This makes me sad because I was a pretty happy person in general. I hope to one day feel joy and contentment again. I assume this will take some time.

There is a hole in my heart that has been open. I have spent the last year trying to fill this void, praying this void would be filled, and it just hasn’t. It is a hole I am going to have to live with and I am trying to figure out how.

I have come a long way since last June, but I am not where I want to be.

Some days, even weeks, I might not think once about the trial we have been through. On other days, it is all I can think about. I would rather not think about it. It’s quite annoying that I just can’t get passed this and that one year later I still effects me.

People say that this is normal and it will take time. I find this very annoying. Can’t we just move on? Clearly I’m impatient. But I mean, who really wants grief to last this long?

Please don’t be offended if I don’t seem happy about your baby news. I am happy for you, I am just sad for me. I rather not engage or talk about it with you because I don’t want to be sad. On the other hand, please don’t not tell me because you think it will make me sad, that will make me sad. I want to rejoice with you. So basically, act normal but don’t get offended if I act weird. Actually, don’t get offended if I act weird about a lot of things. I’m sorry.

You may be wondering if we have or want to try to conceive again. At this time we have been unsuccessful. I am okay with this because I don’t like being pregnant since I am literally sick the ENTIRE time, yet I am sad because I would love to have more children. It’s worth the sacrifice. We have considered adoption and Foster Care but at this time we feel that it is not the right thing for us.

Soooo…. Lot’s of annoying things for a planner who can’t control any aspect of her life.

I pray that this next year, I will be able to see the good that has come from a difficult situation. I pray that I would not focus so much on my circumstances but be mindful of my many blessings. I pray for joy. I pray for contentment. I Pray for all of those who can relate to my story on a personal level, peace be with you.

And thanks to all of you for your support this past year. You have been a blessing.

 

 

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Filed under Baby #3, God Things

The Wait- Our Story

First, let me thank everyone for their love and support regarding our pregnancy announcement. We are so blessed to have so many caring friends and family!

Secondly, I am sensitive to the fact that this news may have caused some a little heart ache. I too can relate because I also have struggled with infertility for the past three years. In hind sight, three years is not that long and we do have other children, but regardless, the desire to have children and the frustration that is associated with the inability to get pregnant, whether first or fifth, is similar. I felt the same disappointment month after month and the same little pain in my heart when another friend shared that they were expecting. Of course I was happy for them, but a little part of you feels sorry for yourself too. So, I just want all of you who are struggling with infertility to know that I am sorry that our exciting news caused you a little pain and I hope and pray that you too, when the time is right, will have the opportunity to share your own exciting news (whether it be through the gift of adoption, foster care or getting pregnant naturally)!

Random unorganized thoughts below…

Because we already have two wonderful children we were not going to seek a Fertility Specialist in order to get pregnant again (though I have been seeing a Holistic Nutritionist that I believe was a contributing factor to our ability to conceive). Ryan and I  decided that we were most likely going to pursue adoption seriously after our exchange student left us this Summer.

Prior to my pregnancy, I was having a pre-midlife crisis. Abram will be starting Kindergarten in the Fall and therefore I will have both children in school fulltime. I have always imagined my life being only a Stay-at-Home Mom to a handful of children. Though I knew I still wanted to mostly be at home when my children were in school, I would most likely have to go back to work part time or go back to school which was not easy to come to terms with. I knew I would eventually be doing this, but not yet! I am not ready for this season of my life to be over!

Who am I?

Eventually, the idea of going back to school and growing in my very part-time career seemed exciting to me. The future for us changed in my mind and it didn’t look so bad. We started to plan a family trip to Europe and figure out ways to pay off debt quicker so we can moooove. Life might be okay for us. Of course it will. If it’s Gods plan for us to only have two children, his plan is what is best for us. That doesn’t mean I liked His plan right away or still didn’t hope that my dream of more children might come true one day, but he has a different plan for us and I can be excited about that.

Skip forward a few months…

I am unusually “late” so I decided to take a test. “MOM! There are two lines!!” What the… is this real? I have been used to seeing one line for so long that I thought I was seeing things when two popped up. (PSA- Dollar Store PTs work just fine.)

“I do not know how to feel about this! I think I am happy. I’m happy. Oh no, what about Europe?! This is weird. WHAT, is Ryan going to think?! Exciting. But Europe. There is a baby in there!”

Ryan was supportive when I told him.

Skip forward a few weeks.

Sick. Sick. Sick. Ughhhhhhhhhhh……

It is hard to feel excited about something when that something makes you feel like death. I am almost 16 weeks and I am just starting to come out of the sick. I most likely will still have bouts of all day nausea until my third trimester. My belly keeps growing but I can’t understand why, it hasn’t fully sunk in that I am actually pregnant. I hate food. I hate smells. I LOVE sleep. I hate food. If any one of you make brussel spouts, do not stand within a mile of me.

Lucy cried. She is not excited. Abram is SO happy and tells me all the time how much he loves my baby and is so excited. His excitement has helped me get through the sickness, his joy is infectious.

I am overwhelmed and excited. Nervous and happy. Anxious and in disbelief. We are going to be parents of three. What the crap was God thinking when he opened my womb?! =0P

new bro

 

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Filed under Baby #3