One year ago today, I was sitting on the beach with my family, the first time I thought “something’s not right”.
The next 48 hours was spent doing everything I could to get my baby to move, while trying not to panic and ruin everyone’s vacation. I was curious, cautious, but not yet concerned.
Google said that it could be a growth spurt and our baby could just be sleeping, or “you’re just busy and haven’t noticed that he is “, when in fact, he wasn’t.
One year ago today, my life changed forever. I didn’t know it yet. Not for another few days. But today was the beginning.
On my Birthday, I was in labor for 18 hours. I delivered a stillborn baby boy. I came home with milk and no baby to feed. I had children who frequently asked me “why did our baby have to die?” and other questions I couldn’t answer like “when can we have another baby?” There were many conversations with people who asked me “how is the baby?” because they didn’t know and I had to tell them without crying and making them feel uncomfortable. I had to lose the baby weight and manage the hormones and… live a life as if it were normal.
I am not the person I was before we lost our son. This makes me sad because I was a pretty happy person in general. I hope to one day feel joy and contentment again. I assume this will take some time.
There is a hole in my heart that has been open. I have spent the last year trying to fill this void, praying this void would be filled, and it just hasn’t. It is a hole I am going to have to live with and I am trying to figure out how.
I have come a long way since last June, but I am not where I want to be.
Some days, even weeks, I might not think once about the trial we have been through. On other days, it is all I can think about. I would rather not think about it. It’s quite annoying that I just can’t get passed this and that one year later I still effects me.
People say that this is normal and it will take time. I find this very annoying. Can’t we just move on? Clearly I’m impatient. But I mean, who really wants grief to last this long?
Please don’t be offended if I don’t seem happy about your baby news. I am happy for you, I am just sad for me. I rather not engage or talk about it with you because I don’t want to be sad. On the other hand, please don’t not tell me because you think it will make me sad, that will make me sad. I want to rejoice with you. So basically, act normal but don’t get offended if I act weird. Actually, don’t get offended if I act weird about a lot of things. I’m sorry.
You may be wondering if we have or want to try to conceive again. At this time we have been unsuccessful. I am okay with this because I don’t like being pregnant since I am literally sick the ENTIRE time, yet I am sad because I would love to have more children. It’s worth the sacrifice. We have considered adoption and Foster Care but at this time we feel that it is not the right thing for us.
Soooo…. Lot’s of annoying things for a planner who can’t control any aspect of her life.
I pray that this next year, I will be able to see the good that has come from a difficult situation. I pray that I would not focus so much on my circumstances but be mindful of my many blessings. I pray for joy. I pray for contentment. I Pray for all of those who can relate to my story on a personal level, peace be with you.
And thanks to all of you for your support this past year. You have been a blessing.